I, the one who nearly commited suicide

A moment ago, I added a self-made picture, which is supposed to let you get a glimpse of how I felt like in my darkest moments.

But how do you really feel like when you are suicidal? For those who never experienced it, it must be hard to understand. In this article, I will try to describe, how I felt when this was happening to me.

You know, before all this, I was thinking, how is it possible, what could possibly lead a person to even consider suicide... And even now, when I've experienced it, I'm still astonished at the fact of human mind being so peculiar...

You're awful, you are just so selfish... How can you behave like this? Do you not care about anyone else than yourself? You're useless, you are no even able to learn for a stupid test. You're hurting everyone! You're lazy, ugly, fat, self-centered, annoying, childish...

So, here are some examples of my "inner critic". You may be telling yourself - that's not that bad, is it? I also tell myself this quite often. And yes, you probably do. But imagine hearing this over and over again. Constantly, like a broken gramophone. And every time you heard it, you also felt the stinging pain, that tells you, that it's probably true... Try repeating it in your head in 3 hours straight without stop. In half an hour, you'll start to believe it too. You may say - so I logically prove it's not true. That should fix the problem, no? Yes, well I tried that for 5 years. But after that... I just got tired. I got tired of always arguing with it. And the longer I was doing it, the more false the arguing voice seemed like. In the end I started believing every word it said. I just completely stoped thinking about wheter it says the truth or not. I just didn't care anymore... But anyways, let's move on. So you start to believe you're totally useless, what comes next? How can you live with someone whom you hate and who hates you? What you try to do, you find distractions from your hateful thoughts. You watch films, read, play games. And how do you feel? Incredibly apathetic. Because you're trying to not think about yourself, so you escape the reality, and you try to concentrate on a different reality. In the end, you're avoiding as much of the real world as you can. Lock yourself in your room. With headphones permanently in your ears. A book in your hand. You avoid talking with people. Because any contact just remindes you, how pathetic, useless, ugly, and bad you are in comparisson to other people.

Then what happens? You start failing at school, because even studying is too much in contact with reality. because by studying you admit that you exist, that you've failed already many tests. That there are also many tests ahead of you, that you will fail...

Of course, that means, that your parents will start to notice. And they will start the compulsion on you, to fix your grades. They'll have long discussions with you. Many arguments ahead. They'll have you on house-arrest, they'll say thousand things that they don't really mean... And guess what happens? Your parents hate you. You are their disgrace, their shame. You're a slacker. You're stupid. You're doing it just to angry them. They simply hate you. Alright, suddenly you have physical proof that everything that voice says about you is true. You have no free time. You always HAVE TO do something. But you never really can. You start to have trouble getting up in the morning. Because that means leaving the soothing dreams and jump into harsh, awful reality. You're doing your best to fight it. You struggle! But after some time, you find out that no matter how hard you try... It just never gets better... You realize that you're not living anymore... You're simply surviving. You never really enjoy anything anymore. You never have time to recharge, have time to gain new fighting strength.

It's like a dark magic spiral. And you start to think, that maybe you would be better off dead.

And once that thought crosses your mind, you're never getting rid of it. It comes back everytime. It catches you off-guard, and you start to ponder, wheter you really think that, or whether it's just a thought. And then, it's not just "You're useless" anymore. It's "Everyone would be better off without you. And you would also be better off without you. You wouldn't suffer anymore. You could finally feel a huge relief. It would finally be over. Isn't it tempting? And you would also make a wish come true for everyone else." At first, you dismiss the idea. How could you even consider the idea. It's ridiculous. Are you out of your mind? You're not that weak.

But slowly, you start to listen to the sweet voice. Because what he promises, is just too tempting. Although your sense of reason is telling you it's all lies, but you respond, what if it's not? You've felt so miserable for such a long time... From where you're standing, it just seem that it will never end. And you don't want to live like this anymore! What exactly are you promising my voice?

You feel desperate, hopeless. You've long since lost any ability to reason, and you're fully aware of that. But what can you do? What CAN you do to make yourself feel better? You've already tried everything. Nothing worked... Is the idea to commit suicide selfish? Is it really selfish, wanting to feel better? But there are people every minute dying of hunger! You just aren't happy with the way you think about yourself. Wake up! There are wost things in the world... Stop! No, I deserve to be happy! And they don't? They do, but there's nothing I can do for them right now... If I could save them all, I'd do it! Of course, nice excuses. You can lie to yourself all you want. If you had to choose between yourself and them, you'd always pick yourself!!! Oh no... You're right. I am the worst selfish monster that has ever walked this earth! I just cause harm to others. They would be better off without me.

By this time, you are almost at the very bottom. You stop caring what others think. You just feel tired. Tired of life. You feel that there's no point to continue living. You feel like you've already experienced everything that life has to offer. You don't really WANT to die. But you can't go on with living anymore. You start to think about the best way to die. It should be as painless as possible. And as quick as possible. You start to look forward to that sweet oblivion that awaits you. And who knows, maybe you'll go to heaven. Or maybe you'll reincarnate into a happier person. But you won't at least feel this way anymore. You start to imagine how it would look like if/when you're not here. How will your funeral look like? How would your classmates react? And your friends? And your relatives? Will they be sad? Will they cry? Will they be sorry for ever being mean to you? Your parents would stop thinking about your grades, and instead think about who you were as a person. And yeah, they would probably be upset, but they would get over eventually. Death is part of life, isn't it?

And so your thoughts continue. Somewhere deep inside you, the "racional you" is telling you that it's not true. But you have no plan of worrying about how deeply hurt would your relatives and friends be. Because that would hurt you. Even more than you're hurt now. And you don't need and don't want that. No, let's not think about that.

So, when are you gonna do it? When will you finally free yourself? When will you erase your miserable existence? How long will you keep torturing yourself? You don't deserve it! Come on... It'll be okay. Everything's gonna be fine! You have all the rights to end your life if you're suffering. There's no point in living anymore! Trust me, there is nothing better waiting for you in the future. It's just gonna get worse!

You're right. Let's do it on friday. I'll have to write a suicide note, and that's it. Thanks for everything. Goodbye.

...

Thank you for staying with me till the end! I just want to add that this is mostly my own experience. I in no way want to say that everyone has it the same way. Everybody is different. This article is mainly to show those, who never experienced something like this, to help them understand at least a bit, how suicidal people may think. Also I would like to reach out to everybody who's going through something similar (suicidal thoughts). I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, or need some immeadiate help, please write us either in the comments or on one of our emails, we'll be more than happy to aid you, hear you out, give you encouragement, send you some websites, apps, videos and more, that could help you. Or even our personal tips on how to get through the worst. We of course plan to post all these information on this website, but it will be in due time.

I just want to add. If you're struggling NOW. And feel like you can't go on anymore. There are many helpful suicide and other hotlines, that you can call. The're usually free, and anonymus. Also, this goes without saying, but you should tell someone who is close to you. Parents (even though that often is something nobody wants to do :P), sibblings,friends that you trust, relatives (an aunt is usually a good choice, she's old enough to know how to help you, but not that old to still have prejudices, like your grandma could have), a school counselor, your doctor... Or someone online, who could advise you - for example some psychologists and psychaitrists are functioning online, so you can write them for help.

Okay, that was just some quick advise for those who need immediate help. We'll surely talk about these things in more detail later on, so stay tuned! If you have any questions, observations, comments or want to share your opinion or even your story, we would be happy to hear from you!

Don't forget! We're here for you!

The ostracized one

She took off her shoes and walked along the cobbled pathway somewhere to the town. Her naked foots hurt and felt cold, even though she didn’t want to put on her sneakers again. She just held them in her hands, gripped by the shoelaces. They swayed along her body, occasionally bumped into her tights. She wore an orange turtleneck, that one, which is good for a bleak autumnal morning, and dark blue jeans dangling along her legs.

Long dark brown hears hid her skinny face covered by tears and blurred eyeliner. She moved slowly forward through silent remote streets, observed the town and there were so huge emptiness in her head that it isn’t even in the most arid desert of the world. She looked at houses and gardens, newly repaired windows and creaking doors with certain amount of lethargy. The streets were desolate and silent; everybody worked or learned something at school. Only the sounds of passing cares, occasional dog barking and her little steps resonated across the town.

She registered a mound of sharp stones. She tread on that pile on purpose that her right leg gained the red color of blood.  It hurt but she wanted the pain, she wanted to fight off the pain by pain.

She looked behind herself with fear because she overheard human steps. Yes, somewhere at the back of the dark streets, there was a person, man in a long jacket, a scarf and a cap. Fortunately, he hadn’t noticed her.  

So she shuffled farther forward, slower and slower, with more and more ragged foots. She suddenly heard certain strange noise again. There were children voices in the distance. She decided to ignore them. She just went further and further…

The silhouette of a high bridge started appearing in front of her eyes. While seeing it, her stomach contracted; however, she felt a slight relief at the same time. She sped up. Finally she almost ran. The mobile phone began vibrating in her pocket. A text message, or a message from the Messenger, she thought. She stopped in the movement and pulled that device up from a little pocket of the jeans. It was her classmate, or maybe her girlfriend, she hadn’t any idea how things really are, who had written her. “Where are you? Will you come to school?”

She stared at these 2 sentences, unable to do anything. Finally she closed the message and put her mobile back to the pocket. She went on to the bridge; she already stood near its beginning. She looked up. It’s so high, so beautifully high. She slowly rose to its top. Then she stopped walking and looked down under herself. That amazing height, and so hard ground below! „“I wish that I could fly, wake up in the sky, like a bird so high. Oh I might just try…“she recalled the lyrics of the song from Hollywood Undead. “Maybe I’ll fly…“  

Her gaze fell on the pocket with the mobile phone. A sudden feeling of gilt made her to pull it out of its hiding place and open the message from her friend, or perhaps girlfriend, who knows, again. “Where are you? Will you come to school?” She started crying. Tears fell down from her eyes like a water stream, they were unstoppable. My dear Natali… she thought. Should I write back or not, should I write back or not, she repeated in her head, full of despair, full of hopelessness. Finally she typed by shaking hands: “Natali, today, after few minutes, I’ll kill myself. I’ll jump of the bridge behind the town. If I wake up after death and if I can fly, I’ll fly to you. I love you. Your Nicol.” She checked her message approximately ten times and she got a strong will to delete it at least one hundred times. Finally, she clicked on the icon send and the sentences flied through the air to Natalia’s mobile phone.

She closed her eyes. She felt so incredibly bad. I’ll hurt her so much, she thought. However, she has already decided. Her hair waved in the sudden gust of wind. And it was like the wind gave her the straight. She got over the railing of the bridge nimbly and she stood exactly at the place she had planned to jump down from.

She firstly dropped her sneakers. She observed how they fly by the amazing free fall up to the ground, then make a little sound  and stay laying there without any movement. They are dead, without its owner who is going to jump back to them after a while. She will also lie, motionless, like that shoes, she thought. Her body went through a surge of fear. She has a darkness in front of her eyes. However, that fear wasn’t strong enough to stop her inner pain which she experienced all the time. She breathed in few times. The oxygen was so hard that it couldn’t freely flow into her lungs.

It will be OK after while, it will be OK, she thought. I’ll just jump, I’ll do one little step and it will be the end. The cold wind suddenly blew again. She breathed in for the last time; she closed her eyes and jumped.

She fell by a long, beautifully long, free fall. She felt the wave of relief and panic at the same time. Pictures of terror appeared in front of her eyes. Then the surge of unbearable pain came, but just for a moment.

Suddenly, there was a silence. There was nothing. Freedom.

Suicide

Certain topics are just and simply taboo in our society. One of them is undoubtedly suicide, as well as death in general. People don’t speak about suicide, they consider it as something frightening and scary, as something, we shouldn’t even think about.

However, for many of us is exactly that a daily topic, such common as chatter about the weather or about the neighbor’s dog for other people. We always think about it, consider it, sometimes even commit it.  Obviously, we would like to speak about our thoughts because they are something so natural and painful at the same time that we just and simply need our feeling to go out, to share them with people, to communicate.

However, that taboo often creates almost insurmountable barrier. When we just intimate that we consider death by our own hand, people become scared, they withdraw or become angry how it is even possible that we think about something so tremendous. Nevertheless. in my opining suicide isn’t anything so weird. It’s something that inseparably belongs to the existence of many people and it shouldn’t be a secret, a forbidden topic, something we can’t speak about.

It’s really interesting that dying of for example cancer is tolerable in our society while dying of depression or other mental disease, in other words killing ourselves, isn’t acceptable at all. What a paradox… In both above mentioned cases a certain disease caused our death. What’s the difference whether the disease is physical or psychical? There’s none in final consequences. The death is presented in both cases. Why does it seem to us intolerable to die of mental disorder?

We would like to mitigate that taboo which surrounds suicide, so we will write, write and again write about that. Dissemination of information is, in my opinion, the almost only way how to fight against stigma and prejudices.

Suicide is going to become a topic we will speak about openly in this blog. Perhaps we will contribute to mitigation of all sorts of prejudges connected with it. Then we may help at least a little in improving the overall state of our society.