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March 5, 2017

The ostracized one

She took off her shoes and walked along the cobbled pathway somewhere to the town. Her naked foots hurt and felt cold, even though she didn’t want to put on her sneakers again. She just held them in her hands, gripped by the shoelaces. They swayed along her body, occasionally bumped into her tights. She wore an orange turtleneck, that one, which is good for a bleak autumnal morning, and dark blue jeans dangling along her legs.

Long dark brown hears hid her skinny face covered by tears and blurred eyeliner. She moved slowly forward through silent remote streets, observed the town and there were so huge emptiness in her head that it isn’t even in the most arid desert of the world. She looked at houses and gardens, newly repaired windows and creaking doors with certain amount of lethargy. The streets were desolate and silent; everybody worked or learned something at school. Only the sounds of passing cares, occasional dog barking and her little steps resonated across the town.

She registered a mound of sharp stones. She tread on that pile on purpose that her right leg gained the red color of blood.  It hurt but she wanted the pain, she wanted to fight off the pain by pain.

She looked behind herself with fear because she overheard human steps. Yes, somewhere at the back of the dark streets, there was a person, man in a long jacket, a scarf and a cap. Fortunately, he hadn’t noticed her.  

So she shuffled farther forward, slower and slower, with more and more ragged foots. She suddenly heard certain strange noise again. There were children voices in the distance. She decided to ignore them. She just went further and further…

The silhouette of a high bridge started appearing in front of her eyes. While seeing it, her stomach contracted; however, she felt a slight relief at the same time. She sped up. Finally she almost ran. The mobile phone began vibrating in her pocket. A text message, or a message from the Messenger, she thought. She stopped in the movement and pulled that device up from a little pocket of the jeans. It was her classmate, or maybe her girlfriend, she hadn’t any idea how things really are, who had written her. “Where are you? Will you come to school?”

She stared at these 2 sentences, unable to do anything. Finally she closed the message and put her mobile back to the pocket. She went on to the bridge; she already stood near its beginning. She looked up. It’s so high, so beautifully high. She slowly rose to its top. Then she stopped walking and looked down under herself. That amazing height, and so hard ground below! I wish that I could fly, wake up in the sky, like a bird so high. Oh I might just try…she recalled the lyrics of the song from Hollywood Undead. Maybe I’ll fly…  

Her gaze fell on the pocket with the mobile phone. A sudden feeling of gilt made her to pull it out of its hiding place and open the message from her friend, or perhaps girlfriend, who knows, again. “Where are you? Will you come to school?” She started crying. Tears fell down from her eyes like a water stream, they were unstoppable. My dear Natali… she thought. Should I write back or not, should I write back or not, she repeated in her head, full of despair, full of hopelessness. Finally she typed by shaking hands: “Natali, today, after few minutes, I’ll kill myself. I’ll jump of the bridge behind the town. If I wake up after death and if I can fly, I’ll fly to you. I love you. Your Nicol.” She checked her message approximately ten times and she got a strong will to delete it at least one hundred times. Finally, she clicked on the icon send and the sentences flied through the air to Natalia’s mobile phone.

She closed her eyes. She felt so incredibly bad. I’ll hurt her so much, she thought. However, she has already decided. Her hair waved in the sudden gust of wind. And it was like the wind gave her the straight. She got over the railing of the bridge nimbly and she stood exactly at the place she had planned to jump down from.

She firstly dropped her sneakers. She observed how they fly by the amazing free fall up to the ground, then make a little sound  and stay laying there without any movement. They are dead, without its owner who is going to jump back to them after a while. She will also lie, motionless, like that shoes, she thought. Her body went through a surge of fear. She has a darkness in front of her eyes. However, that fear wasn’t strong enough to stop her inner pain which she experienced all the time. She breathed in few times. The oxygen was so hard that it couldn’t freely flow into her lungs.

It will be OK after while, it will be OK, she thought. I’ll just jump, I’ll do one little step and it will be the end. The cold wind suddenly blew again. She breathed in for the last time; she closed her eyes and jumped.

She fell by a long, beautifully long, free fall. She felt the wave of relief and panic at the same time. Pictures of terror appeared in front of her eyes. Then the surge of unbearable pain came, but just for a moment.

Suddenly, there was a silence. There was nothing. Freedom.

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