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March 14, 2017

I, the one who nearly commited suicide

A moment ago, I added a self-made picture, which is supposed to let you get a glimpse of how I felt like in my darkest moments.

But how do you really feel like when you are suicidal? For those who never experienced it, it must be hard to understand. In this article, I will try to describe, how I felt when this was happening to me.

You know, before all this, I was thinking, how is it possible, what could possibly lead a person to even consider suicide... And even now, when I've experienced it, I'm still astonished at the fact of human mind being so peculiar...

You're awful, you are just so selfish... How can you behave like this? Do you not care about anyone else than yourself? You're useless, you are no even able to learn for a stupid test. You're hurting everyone! You're lazy, ugly, fat, self-centered, annoying, childish...

So, here are some examples of my "inner critic". You may be telling yourself - that's not that bad, is it? I also tell myself this quite often. And yes, you probably do. But imagine hearing this over and over again. Constantly, like a broken gramophone. And every time you heard it, you also felt the stinging pain, that tells you, that it's probably true... Try repeating it in your head in 3 hours straight without stop. In half an hour, you'll start to believe it too. You may say - so I logically prove it's not true. That should fix the problem, no? Yes, well I tried that for 5 years. But after that... I just got tired. I got tired of always arguing with it. And the longer I was doing it, the more false the arguing voice seemed like. In the end I started believing every word it said. I just completely stoped thinking about wheter it says the truth or not. I just didn't care anymore... But anyways, let's move on. So you start to believe you're totally useless, what comes next? How can you live with someone whom you hate and who hates you? What you try to do, you find distractions from your hateful thoughts. You watch films, read, play games. And how do you feel? Incredibly apathetic. Because you're trying to not think about yourself, so you escape the reality, and you try to concentrate on a different reality. In the end, you're avoiding as much of the real world as you can. Lock yourself in your room. With headphones permanently in your ears. A book in your hand. You avoid talking with people. Because any contact just remindes you, how pathetic, useless, ugly, and bad you are in comparisson to other people.

Then what happens? You start failing at school, because even studying is too much in contact with reality. because by studying you admit that you exist, that you've failed already many tests. That there are also many tests ahead of you, that you will fail...
Of course, that means, that your parents will start to notice. And they will start the compulsion on you, to fix your grades. They'll have long discussions with you. Many arguments ahead. They'll have you on house-arrest, they'll say thousand things that they don't really mean... And guess what happens? Your parents hate you. You are their disgrace, their shame. You're a slacker. You're stupid. You're doing it just to angry them. They simply hate you. Alright, suddenly you have physical proof that everything that voice says about you is true. You have no free time. You always HAVE TO do something. But you never really can. You start to have trouble getting up in the morning. Because that means leaving the soothing dreams and jump into harsh, awful reality. You're doing your best to fight it. You struggle! But after some time, you find out that no matter how hard you try... It just never gets better... You realize that you're not living anymore... You're simply surviving. You never really enjoy anything anymore. You never have time to recharge, have time to gain new fighting strength.

It's like a dark magic spiral. And you start to think, that maybe you would be better off dead.

And once that thought crosses your mind, you're never getting rid of it. It comes back everytime. It catches you off-guard, and you start to ponder, wheter you really think that, or whether it's just a thought. And then, it's not just "You're useless" anymore. It's "Everyone would be better off without you. And you would also be better off without you. You wouldn't suffer anymore. You could finally feel a huge relief. It would finally be over. Isn't it tempting? And you would also make a wish come true for everyone else." At first, you dismiss the idea. How could you even consider the idea. It's ridiculous. Are you out of your mind? You're not that weak.

But slowly, you start to listen to the sweet voice. Because what he promises, is just too tempting. Although your sense of reason is telling you it's all lies, but you respond, what if it's not? You've felt so miserable for such a long time... From where you're standing, it just seem that it will never end. And you don't want to live like this anymore! What exactly are you promising my voice?

You feel desperate, hopeless. You've long since lost any ability to reason, and you're fully aware of that. But what can you do? What CAN you do to make yourself feel better? You've already tried everything. Nothing worked... Is the idea to commit suicide selfish? Is it really selfish, wanting to feel better? But there are people every minute dying of hunger! You just aren't happy with the way you think about yourself. Wake up! There are wost things in the world... Stop! No, I deserve to be happy! And they don't? They do, but there's nothing I can do for them right now... If I could save them all, I'd do it! Of course, nice excuses. You can lie to yourself all you want. If you had to choose between yourself and them, you'd always pick yourself!!! Oh no... You're right. I am the worst selfish monster that has ever walked this earth! I just cause harm to others. They would be better off without me.

By this time, you are almost at the very bottom. You stop caring what others think. You just feel tired. Tired of life. You feel that there's no point to continue living. You feel like you've already experienced everything that life has to offer. You don't really WANT to die. But you can't go on with living anymore. You start to think about the best way to die. It should be as painless as possible. And as quick as possible. You start to look forward to that sweet oblivion that awaits you. And who knows, maybe you'll go to heaven. Or maybe you'll reincarnate into a happier person. But you won't at least feel this way anymore. You start to imagine how it would look like if/when you're not here. How will your funeral look like? How would your classmates react? And your friends? And your relatives? Will they be sad? Will they cry? Will they be sorry for ever being mean to you? Your parents would stop thinking about your grades, and instead think about who you were as a person. And yeah, they would probably be upset, but they would get over eventually. Death is part of life, isn't it?

And so your thoughts continue. Somewhere deep inside you, the "racional you" is telling you that it's not true. But you have no plan of worrying about how deeply hurt would your relatives and friends be. Because that would hurt you. Even more than you're hurt now. And you don't need and don't want that. No, let's not think about that.

So, when are you gonna do it? When will you finally free yourself? When will you erase your miserable existence? How long will you keep torturing yourself? You don't deserve it! Come on... It'll be okay. Everything's gonna be fine! You have all the rights to end your life if you're suffering. There's no point in living anymore! Trust me, there is nothing better waiting for you in the future. It's just gonna get worse!

You're right. Let's do it on friday. I'll have to write a suicide note, and that's it. Thanks for everything. Goodbye.


Thank you for staying with me till the end! I just want to add that this is mostly my own experience. I in no way want to say that everyone has it the same way. Everybody is different. This article is mainly to show those, who never experienced something like this, to help them understand at least a bit, how suicidal people may think. Also I would like to reach out to everybody who's going through something similar (suicidal thoughts). I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, or need some immeadiate help, please write us either in the comments or on one of our emails, we'll be more than happy to aid you, hear you out, give you encouragement, send you some websites, apps, videos and more, that could help you. Or even our personal tips on how to get through the worst. We of course plan to post all these information on this website, but it will be in due time.

I just want to add. If you're struggling NOW. And feel like you can't go on anymore. There are many helpful suicide and other hotlines, that you can call. The're usually free, and anonymus. Also, this goes without saying, but you should tell someone who is close to you. Parents (even though that often is something nobody wants to do :P), sibblings,friends that you trust, relatives (an aunt is usually a good choice, she's old enough to know how to help you, but not that old to still have prejudices, like your grandma could have), a school counselor, your doctor... Or someone online, who could advise you - for example some psychologists and psychaitrists are functioning online, so you can write them for help.

Okay, that was just some quick advise for those who need immediate help. We'll surely talk about these things in more detail later on, so stay tuned! If you have any questions, observations, comments or want to share your opinion or even your story, we would be happy to hear from you!

Don't forget! We're here for you!

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