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January 19, 2018

The demons ruling over me

Dear readers, I’m warmly greeting you on our blog. This time, I’ve prepared an article for you that differs from all the other posts which have ever occurred on this website. It is an attempt to symbolically describe bipolar disorder, which I have been struggling with especially in the last few weeks, albeit with the persistent and insistent feeling of losing this struggle. In this short text waiting for you to read, I’m trying  to capture how I feel my illness inside, how it would look like if I had drawn it on a piece of paper, how it interferes with my daily life… However, enough talk. I would rather wish you to enjoy the article at this place.

Always, wherever I go, wherever I am, the two demons hug me. One of them is all blue, with eyes full of insane excitement, excitement for taking control of me. The second demon, the gray one, that one which is sometimes even black and wild as a fierce storm, still cries. His tears flow into my into the depths of my soul and, like a poison, kill all the joy. These demons are brothers, more preciously Siamese twins. They’re merged with the lower parts of their bodies and they cannot be separated under any circumstances.

Their sibling coexistence isn’t the most ideal one, all because of the insatiable desire for power. They often compete with each other; one of them wants to break away from the second one to get the iconic unlimited power over me. They fight like that frequently, so often that they sometimes even forget about my existence and leave me alone, just for the purpose of overpowering their sibling. Other times one of them is temporarily wining and immediately taking control, sometimes for days, sometimes for months. The second, defeated, brother just stands by, sick and weak. However, they are a pair of conjoined twins after all. The reign is exhausting for the dominant demon and the straight which slowly and continually decreases because of his dogged effort to maintain the power, quietly enters his companion, tired from a previous battle, until he gets enough energy that he overthrows his twin. That fight is endless, exhausting and tiring. So, once in time, demons realize its pointlessness. Over and above, sibling love awakes somewhere deep inside of them, they want to put an end to this infinite warfare. They unite forces and create a ruling coalition. They both control me, one destroys my joy and all the rests of my interests by his tears, the other charges my by energy in the form of bright lightning flashing into my body. That energy doesn’t give me a space to take a deep breath for a moment; it brings hurricanes of thoughts into my head, it clouds my mind by anger, sometimes makes my bend in fits of laughter, while the second demon whispers in my me ear how useless, broken and miserable I actually am.

You could ask the question why they do that. You know, they feed on my emotions. The more extreme they are, the better they eat. But I’m starving, more and more day by day. I’m withering away, slowly dying without anybody noticing it. My two parasites cause me unbearable pain and torture, especially when they work hand in hand. And I’m slowly getting t the edge of my abilities. I’ll free myself from them by death, I’ll die and they will die because no parasite can survive without its host. Ending up with life appears as the only escape route. Why not to embark on that journey? Because it’s socially unacceptable? Because I would hurt those who love me? You know, the crying demon have already convinced me that I’m actually a burden for everyone around.

An attempt to display my demons with crayons on a sheet of paper.

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