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February 20, 2018

How I told my parents about my depression

So, in the article about my suicide (I, the one who nearly commited suicide), I described in quite some detail how it ended up like that, what were the circumstances, etc. And today, I would like to tell you how I asked for help.

It happened about a month before I started to plan my suicide. I felt absolutely horrible. And basically the only thing I did at that time was watching Youtube videos, where they talked about depression, suicide and just about every kind of mental illnesses.

They were all sorts of videos, but they had one thing in common. In all of them, they were over and over speaking about how important it is to ask for help. That if we think, we have a problem, we should definitely tell someone. A friend, our parents, siblings, someone at school, our aunt, uncle... Anyone. At first I ignored it. I thought, how could I tell anyone? I'm not even sure I have a problem. It's probably just in my head...

But because I kept hearing it over, and over, I started to think - maybe I should tell someone... But then came the biggest problem. How. There are a few huge problems with telling someone. Firstly, you have to admit to yourself, that you actually have a problem. That is very hard, because in reality, you have no way of knowing, whether you really have a problem. Of course, you can see some symptoms. I mean, thats how you probably started to suspect, that something is wrong. But there's this annoying voice, that keeps telling you, that there's nothing wrong with you. And it's not meant to soothe you. No, what it really wants is to stop you from getting help, and for you to feel even more shitty, than you already are. It will tell you that you're being melodramatic, hysteric, that you're just trying to find an excuse, for not getting out of bed, for being too lazy. For not cleaning your room, for not getting shit done, for not being able to study, to go out with friends, to be nice to everybody... And this voice is convincing you, that you're the bad guy here. It's the voice of the mental illness. And it will do everything in it's power, to stop you from getting the help you need.

Now, I'm talking about different "voices" but by that I don't mean voices regarding the split personality disorder. I just want to make that clear. I'm talking about, how people talk to themselves.

Because I didn't have the slightest idea of how should I tell my parents, I dropped it for a while.
But then, after some time during one period when I felt shitty again - an idea struck me: What if I started writing a diary? (Note: This isn't the first time I came up with this, but usually I gave up after a few sentences.) So I wrote and wrote and wrote. Words kept pouring out of me and when I look at it now, I don't see some words written by a crazy young teen. I see it as the truth. All those feelings were exactly how I felt back then. Here are two examples from my diary just so you get the idea:

...I don't want and hate the game - "Who's gonna die next?" But it's all around me. Will it be grandma, grandpa, who are old? Or our cat? Dog? Hm? Any bets? ...

It's a monster. Huge monster, which always sits on my shoulder and whispers hateful words to me. Sometimes I manage to shake it off me. Sometimes I turn my head and see that it's not as big as I thought it was. But usually that's not the case. Before I didn't even notice it and I thought that those words it whispered to me were my actual thoughts and feelings...

Those are just a few examples, I actually wrote whole 27 small pages from both sides.

And now, while I was in the middle of writing a thought came about what would my parents think about the things I'm writing in my diary. At first I brushed it off as a silly idea, but after a while it suddenly didn't sound so bad after all. I really wanted to confess to someone. But I knew I wouldn't be able to formulate my thoughts into spoken words. So the diary was just the perfect opportunity.
So I did it. I gave them the diary and went to a different room, so I wouldn't have to watch their reaction. Those moments were the worst moments of my life. I was going over everything I wrote in there and thought about how they're going to react to it.

And then it was over. We talked it over and we agreed that I need professional help. So I did it! I asked for help! But of course, this was only the begining... The first step towards getting help. The worst was yet to come. But then, it has to always become worse before it gets better, right?

Now, I don't know the right way to confess to someone. It really depends on your personality and the people around you. In the best case scenerio you have a loving and understanding family and a lot of great friends on which you can rely on. But lets be real, this is rarely the case. I personally have great parents. Though they aren't perfect, they care for me very much a help me in every way. But I know that a lot of people just can't talk to their parents about this. So what to do in that case? Something that sounds really appealing to me is an aunt. If you have one, and she's good to talk to, that seems for me a great way to get help. Then, if you have friends, who you trust, confess to them. Just be aware of the fact that they may have some ideas that aren't really good for you - so talk to them, let them encourage you, but always try to consult an adult before doing something they recommended you. Then there is a school counselor - also a good choice - they are professionals and you don't have to travel anywhere or pay for anything. If nothing mentioned above for some reason didn't really appeal to you, don't fret! You always have free emergency helplines, online anonymous psychological websites were there are (although not in all of them) professionals answering to your questions, etc.

And of course in the worst case-scenerio when everything else fails, there is good-old emergency line (it is different in different countries, for example the 911). Call it if you're about to commit suicide - take it as your last resort - your goodbyes to the world, tell them what you're about to do and how. And I pray, that if it ever comes to that situation, they will be able to help you.

In future articles I plan to go more into detail about different ways to get help if you're suicidal or otherwise have mental health issues. But for today it has to do. If you're feeling suicidal and really don't feel like doing anything I mentioned above, feel free to write us either on FB, in the comments, or on one of our emails. We are here for you! Enjoy the rest of your day!

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