Greetings, dear readers. Today it’s time to share with you my story. As you may already know from the previous articles here, I spent approximately 5 weeks in the psych ward in your capital, Prague. Some of you have maybe noticed as well that I had been in another psych ward before that, in the town called Brno. You can read about that in the article About us which we wrote long time ago. I was placed into the children’s department in both cases. However, what was the exact reason of my hospitalization? Why did I need the hospital at all?
I have been probably suffering from certain mental health issues almost since my birth. However, my mental state became significantly worse after joining grammar school with a tendency to slowly regress. It’s difficult to say what exactly caused it. Maybe it was just natural and continual development of all the stuff. Everything could be caused by an increased workload which grammar school puts on its students. The truth is that my pathological perfectionism made me learn so much that it wasn’t healthy at all. I entirely disturbed my sleeping routine because of learning. It wasn’t anything rare that I went to sleep after 2 a.m. because I had an obtrusive feeling that I don’t understand the subject matter, which we were writing a test from the next day, enough. School was basically bringing me constant stress, intensified by the fact that schooling didn’t make even the smallest sense to me. Finally I fundamentally learned to hate school as a whole.
However, the exact reason of the deterioration of my state isn’t essential. Most likely, it even isn’t just one clearly determined cause but rather interplay of several factors. Anyway, the thing is I started to suffer from depression much more frequently than before.
At this place, I should probably explain what does the word depression actually mean. It definitely doesn’t signify 2-days-lasting bad mood or anything we could just get rid of by watching a funny movie or by going out. We’re speaking here about a mental illness characterized by distinctly low mood which typically manifests itself in persistent sadness, irritability or a feeling of emptiness. The disease also causes the lost of interests, increased or decreased appetite, insomnia or oversleeping, overall slowdown or acceleration, tiredness, the lost of energy and a problem with concentration and decision making. Last but not least, it leads to feeling of hopelessness, worthlessness, inappropriate guilt and to suicidal thoughts, in 10% of cases even to a suicide itself. It’s important to note that the symptoms must last at least 14 days in a row.
I myself am not able to experience sadness very well. That’s perhaps the reason why my depressive episodes always expressed themselves rather as irritability and a consuming feeling of emptiness. I was also always caught by the lost of interest. I just suddenly realized that there’s no single thing in this world which would make me happy. It felt like the life left everything around and I was walking in the center of the dead world. I usually struggled to fall asleep while depressed but when I was already sleeping I slept for a very long time, such a 12 hours. I always lost most of my appetite, I was slowed down and constantly tired. Starting which any activity became an incredible deal for me. When my depression deepened I was almost unable to speak. Every word was so arduous for me that I was rather staying silent. What’s more, I was constantly afflicted by feelings of gilt. I perpetually overplayed my mistakes in my head like a movie while blaming myself. I strenuously struggled with obsessive thoughts repeating me how incompetent and useless I’m, how I’m just a burden for everybody, how it would be the best for all people around if I wasn’t here at all… The world always seemed to me as a painfully vain place and my situation looked like absolutely desperate and hopeless. I was experiencing strong suicidal thoughts every time as well. I saw hope, the way how to finally end up with all the infinity pain of soul in the death by my own hand. Moreover, depression convinced me quite successfully that I’m not worth living at all.
The periods, when depression avoided me, were still less and less frequent as well as shorter and shorter. I often felt very irritable, full of energy and anger in this meantime. I always noticed the need to change this world, make huge things or fight against the stupidity, ignorance and injustice growing in me. My head was full of ideas like I was suddenly able to think in a light and easy way. I spoke a lot, still criticizing things around. I got permanently involved in completely useless arguments as well. From time to time, I was swallowed by a fit of euphoria when the whole world seemed to me as the most amazing place we can ever imagine. It never lasted for a long time, maximally for a few days. Then I usually switched into my inappropriately irritable mood or into depression.
I didn’t consider my states outside of depression as anything important back then. I just and simply thought it’s just me, the way how I’m. In addition, I was accompanied by quite unpleasant anxiety most of the time which I was unable to work with.
In October 2016, a 3-months-lasting depressive episode started for me. It was stronger than any other episode before. I was balancing on the border of the ability of functioning at school, finally even on the border of the ability to get myself to school. I already truly needed a help that time. My parents finally ordered me to a psychiatrist, however, the waiting time 3 months turned out to be too long.
In December of the same year, short time before the Christmas, I suddenly experienced a few-days-lasting euphoric spurt, in the middle of the depressive episode. I can remember very well how I went to buy Christmas gifts in that state. I ran across the entire town during 2 hours, which is a huge speed for me, I bought 2 presents for everybody, I was saying hello to strangers on the street, I was smiling at everybody who crossed me by and I was passionate about speaking with sellers in the shops. Nothing of that isn’t typical or standard for an introverted autistic person, who I’m, at all.
Unfortunately, after a sharp rise, a painful fall followed. I came down into deep depression very quickly, unable to function. I felt defeated. I experienced a clear happiness for a while, I felt like on the top of the world, and then, out of nowhere, I found myself deep down. My suicidal thoughts became uncontrollable. I experienced a strong urge to end up with everything. Thoughts how to do it raised though my head. I saw myself lying on the track waiting for a train… I wasn’t sure at all what I’m going to do in the next few hours. I told my parent that I can’t go on anymore…
The next day they were taking me into the psychiatry crisis center in Brno where the doctor told me that my state requires hospitalization. Even though I subconsciously counted with that eventuality, I was absolutely shocked. Nevertheless, I agreed.
That’s how I got to the psych ward for the first time. Unfortunately, the doctors there didn’t help me at all. I was released in an absolutely desperate state while another hospitalization in Prague was pre-arranged.
Today I have finally determined diagnosis, established medication and a mood closer to the norm. I experienced many not very pleasant things, however, everything seems to go just right nowadays. It looks like a good ending of the story, doesn’t it?
Are you interested in what was going on in the psych ward in Brno? Wait for the next article. If you have any questions or notes, write us in the comment section bellow. Finally, keep in mind, we’re here for you!